Our story begins with all 5 of our player characters in the City of House Odon. We have Lady Vaelen Odon, the cigar-smoking princess (one might even call her SMOKIN’ HOT); Felix, the middle-aged (and, I believe, formerly kidnapped??) equine enthusiast; Constantine Odon, Vaelen’s spendthrift druggie uncle; Will Gray, the hulking hunk of blades and armor who protects Constantine from any assassination attempts (goodness knows why he needs one, as he doesn’t have two coins to rub together), and Levi’s Character, yet to be present at any session.
After all the setup was finally prepared, Vaelen and Constantine received a wedding invite from Vaelen’s cousin Clara, set to be wed to the second-in-line to the House Bywater‘s title, Tyral Bywater. Accepting with much jubilation, the Uncle and Niece prepared to head north, assembling their personal entourages, including Constantine’s guard Will and the Master of Stables Felix. With all the (present) players assembled, we set sail across the Sea of Dorne towards the Bywater establishment.
If only it had been that easy!
Tensions rode even higher than the waves, as Lord Callor cornered Constantine once aboard and tried to teach him a thing or two about money – namely, how to not spend all of it. However, Constantine’s practice haggling with bartenders to keep his tab open finally paid off, as he was able to persuade Callor to leave him alone. Callor went, though not without a few grumbles about what a bad influence Constantine is on his daughter.
After this mental turbulence, however, the ship ran into something a bit more concrete, as the horses flipped the fuck out about living conditions in the hold. Though their beef was primarily with the captain (“End Animal Cruelty – Stop Leaving Us Down In This Scary Fucking Hold OH GOD A RAT TOUCHED ME”), Felix was the only man on the scene with the skills to help out. He rushed down and was able to soothe the horses by throwing apples at them, which basically just convinced them that giving up was their only hope of survival.
As Felix lit a thick cigar to relax down in the hold, I’m pretty sure a fight broke out above decks. Will was surrounded by menacing sailors or something — you know what, I don’t really remember. Someone else should write this part of the summary. I know it ends with him going below decks, though. Finally, he decided to take the whole thing below decks, where a greenish haze had already begun to rise from Felix’s thick cigar. He lost the pursuers in the mist, but nearly choked to death on the muddy air that surrounded him.
Despite these woes, the worst was yet to come. Lady Vaelen herself was enjoying a peaceful ride (after the horse riots had calmed down) and an odorous cigar, when her peace was shattered by the knowledge that they were being followed. She cast her eyes up to the sky, where her eyes landed upon the offending fowl – a triad of seagulls who marred the bright-blue sky. Springing into action, the not-so-clever Lady-to-be pulled out her bow and shot two of the offending birds down – ensuring the delay of the Dorne-Waterfowl war a bit longer. Angered by this display of impertinence, however, the final bird swooped down and took a ginormous shit all over the indignant princess, who spent the rest of the evening fuming after her father chewed her out, making such extravagant claims as “Birds just do that, honey,” and “Seagulls are fucking everywhere and you’re a moron if you think you can kill them all.”
When the boat arrived in the Bywater’s port, Vaelen raced off the boat to take a nice warm bath, and we ended the session.